Sui Generis

Remember

2009-07-12T23:07:00.003+08:00

Remember,
Seventy times seven while wiping cutlery (I was listening to it on the way to the airport);
Westlife songs at Lido McCafe (sleeping to it so peacefully);
Dbl O and getting hit on by man going through their mid-life crisis (and spilling martinis);
Cuscaden's beer and drama (and breaking up on the same day).

Never a need to fill the silence between us.
Spending hours doing nothing yet never feeling bored.
Talking about old days never cease to become dull.
Never actually thought I'd have nothing to add to things we can dwell on and talk when it has past.

Though you'd be so happy knowing I'm writing something because of you,
I hope you cry your heart out when you know that you took a part of me with you to Aussie. The part of me which is you.

My weekdays I get through perfectly fine,
but my weekends are almost directionless.

It is almost like I don't want to have fun if its not with you,
and I don't want to have friends if you're not part of them.
And I don't want to have weekends because they are almost pointless.

This is so emo only because you love emo shit I write.
I hope this will do perfectly fine for your liking.

I miss you Jeannine. Who will take me away from reality while you're gone?

A Whirldwind Spinning In My Head

2009-06-27T18:49:00.002+08:00

An undefined predicament.

A non-existent solution.

To hurt to heal to feel and yield or fail.

To give to take to compromise and oblige or reject.

So many exits but nowhere to stay for a little bit.

Nowhere to hide my fear, nowhere to search for words for a conversation.

Words shouted become words unheard yet remembered.

Kept in a memory to remind of the harm done.

2009-06-17T14:15:00.000+08:00

So we have climbed so far and hard to reach a stage of mutual distaste.

Having being driven up against the wall, with my heart knotted in a string and a noose around my neck, its complicated to ascertain whose hands were blood-stained.

And we move on, to be loved and lost and forgotten.

Each day, the sun shines brightly, sometimes sinisterly.

Boredom oozing out of my hair, nose, eyes and fingernails.

2009-04-28T16:47:00.003+08:00

Okay, so today is just one of those random days where you have a bursting random thought to write! Not you, I mean, I. I dont know if you have random bursting thoughts or bursting random thoughts, but either way it probably happens when you have a million idle braincells eager to find something to do. So its like when one raises its hands eagerly like a geeky know-it-all in the classroom, the thought rushes and bursts! Haha!

So, anyways, I realised there's so many things to do online I never had the time to find out when I was bumming around at home! What irony.

So here are some stuff I never would have done in a million years but turns out to be quite fun and I wouldnt mind continue doing. Hahaha.

I chat with people I never would have bothered to talk to, or never would think I would talk to, or always wanted to talk to but never really did. Haha, ya right, there is noone I've always wanted to talk to unless it is Johnny Depp or Adam Brody, or maybe Edie Sedgwick cos I'm partly secretly (HAHA, or not really secretly) lesbian.

I read about Lindsay Lohan's breakup with Samantha Ronson like as if I was following the death results of the Mumbai shootings. (Notice the lesbian tendencies).

I wreck my brains to think of ways to be as skinny as Lindsay now because if used-to-be-fat Lindsay can do it, so can I! (This would be so apt for a "Lose Weight" campaign)

I talk to strangers on FB.
For example I sent a message to this guy yesteday who added me when I didnt know him.
So this was how mindless the conversation was.
"Do I know you?"
"well honestly you dont, but if were unhonest i would say that i got your email when i bumped into you a while ago.. haha. btw are you chinese?" (what a creep right, like anyone would believe that)
ANYWAY....
"yes i am, do i not look chinese" (haha, why do I bother even entertaining?!? God knows how bored I am out of my mind!)
"you look mixed. heh." (what kinda laughter is heh. and what is so funny if i looked mixed. he was prolly hoping i shared some commmon ground with him being his name was mike azhar ang and probably wanted to let me know we have this peranakan heritage similarity so we can be friends.)
"so what's your motive?"
"hmm, i hafta haf a motive? heh, dn wry, if ur not comfortable to add strangers, ur not obligated to add me ^_^, kekeke :P" (seriously. W-T-F)

I will not torture you guys with the rest of the conversation, I believe I have emphasized my point that I hate FB losers, and that I am a loser myself for bothering to entertain him because I just am such a big loser I got nothing to do.

As you see, I digress. Well, deal with it.

I almost feel stupid writing in a tone as if my blog is widely read. ALMOST. but NOT. Haha. Alright readers (I thought I heard the crickety quiet dead air night sound they play when you expect an audience but dont have one. haha.), shall spend my last half hour of work doing some actual work!

Dream a little dream of you

2009-04-20T07:39:00.003+08:00

Once again, the dread of the meaningless Monday kicks in. They should start the weeks on Tuesday, because there's so many negative adjectives that makes us an alliteration with Mondays. Mournful Monday. Miserable Monday. Mundane Monday. Melancholic Monday. and yes, most of all, they are generally meaningless Mondays.

I almost never stop realising how much I treasure my younger days. As this blog is nothing but meaningless, miserable, mournful entries of a loved lost or pretentious, crappy entries of a kind of happiness we sometimes need to assure of ourselves that our life is not unnoticed. It would be nice to go back to where broken hearts are just as painful as scrapped knees and elbows. Brush it off and laugh it off.

Of late, moods of frustration, annoyance and sometimes angst have filled the atmosphere. It's almost as if its clouded and fogged and there to stay.

The long winding path of foreverness just isn't there.

And in my head are voices of my subconscious mind telling myself that the road is almost ending.

For the better or for the worse, its hard to tell.

Used to you

2009-02-12T19:06:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I cant be apart from you is because I'm just too used to you.

What now?
What am I trying to do now?
Can you resolve this?

It's so typical of you to pretend everything will be fine.
You brush your way through and I cave.

Everything is left exactly where they are,
nothing ever changes.

-

2009-02-12T10:51:00.003+08:00

If you were a pillar, and I had you as my support,

You'd crumble, and I'd fall.

Asylum

2009-02-12T09:51:00.003+08:00

It was as if no one would hear me,
not even myself.
It was as if no one could hurt me,
not even myself.

It was an exhibition.
A display full of rage,
I couldn't explain.

And if I had no words,
I'd draw you a picture of a girl,
enclosed in a huge plastic transparent cylinder,
with needles through her.

And while you observed her with eyes wide open,
she becomes oblivious of you,
while she rolls on by.

The people who walked past.

2008-11-20T23:04:00.002+08:00

There was a day I stood at the highway watching the cars go by. I walked against the cars as they drove the wind in my face. I got tired and I sat on a bridge with my legs hanging off the edge. The people who walked past - they stare at me with contempt. I hid my face with my hair and I bit on my lips. I got off the bridge and I walked some more. I walked past the malls with my ragged clothes and my two bare feet dragged on the streets. The people who walked past - they stare at me with distaste. I lowered my head and I quicken my steps. The skies darkened, I was tired so I sat where no one could see. I closed my eyes and I fell asleep. I woke and you walked past - you stared at me with curiosity. I raised my head to see a little clearer and you came a little closer. I spoke but there were no words. You reached out your hand and then I took it.

Rainbow Riots

2008-06-03T23:18:00.002+08:00

For centuries, love will bring different colours together and colours will tear them apart.
Fight it and you lose. Give in and you still don't stand to gain.
The values that are taught becomes reformed to one's own set of beliefs.
And who are you to forbid me?
I have been the black sheep.
And to you, maybe I will always be.

This time I will put your name, Bernie.

2008-04-12T14:06:00.004+08:00

Sorry your nice little gesture seem like it was not even worthy of a reply. It did not make me happy. Not even a teeny bit. It was out of the blue, and ironic. A surprise, but not something I had hoped for. It just made me feel a little indifferent because if you are even thinking of salvaging something of worth to you( I don't even know that, maybe you were just trying to be nice because you are just so nice to everyone), it would have happened long ago, and it would have required much more effort. But somehow everything we had has made a 360 degree change in a matter of months and it almost seems impossibly irreversible. There are times I miss you, and Im sorry I did not even bother trying. You might think the same and feel that you do not matter because we don't seem to want you around anyway. Or that it does not change anything because of the fact that we are having fun without you. Yes, but someone, one person, has stayed throughout and did not succeed. And once it is futile, its human nature to just give up and leave it be you know? I was angry at one point, yet I probably saw it coming because you've done that way too many times, and we are just a phase to you, just like your other previous group of friends and you move on. That's what you do - you move on all the time from phases of friends to phases of friends and that's probably the one huge reason why I do not bother to want you or need you around.

And sometimes life is a matter of choice and change, if losing us is necessary for you to gain a sort of happiness that suffice your needs, that let's all pretend to be happy for you from afar, shall we?

The Irony We Live For

2008-04-12T02:01:00.005+08:00

Work has taken a toll on me mentally because I find suddenly I don't have to use my brains anymore and I'm pretty sure my brain cells will die from inactivity. I seriously feel I'm here for cheap labour and it's killing me to feel so useless and unneeded. Sometimes I wonder what purpose there is in life. I wonder if our creator watches and observes what goes on amongst this really exquisite species, humans, like how animals are portrayed on animal planet, or discovery channel, whichever you prefer. I really do not get the purpose of being born, to go through education, to get a good job, where some people fail, some people succeed, through all the trials and tribulations and learning from past mistakes, or repeating history over and over, improving our lives, having generations and then it just comes to an end where we leave our habitat, or rather die, not knowing if it just ends or continues in another world, whether we suffer or enjoy again. Why is this cycle even necessary? People pay bills and taxes and get insurance to cover for themselves, or their loved ones so that monetary value attempt to suffice the needs of people whom tragedy shoots its arrow at. Funny how it seems that money lives on while people die. It makes people and it breaks people. Why does it happen so that some people are filthy rich with too much money to spend they buy things that they do not need, yet people are not even able to feed themselves in this same world? Life is so questionable in a way that puzzles yet it is compulsory because it is a sin to contemplate suicide and an offence to commit suicide. I mean if life is given to us and everyone dies eventually anyway, why is it we cannot choose what we can or want to do with it? Why do we all have regrets because we only have this one lifetime to make all our mistakes and correct them if we want to, or live with the consequences, whichever floats the boat, but it will still sink one day anyway unless the impossibility of immortality becomes untrue.

Good night, while the clock ticks life away. (:

Sadness speaks louder in words.

2008-04-08T22:30:00.004+08:00

I want to keep the happy moments so I can have plenty of reasons to love. For every happy moment, there's an infinite amount of hope to hold on to because happiness finds its way around to you. It's lurking around dark corners, leaking out from pipes, it's morbid to see happiness in such a creepy light but it does pounce on you when you least expect it. I want to remember you appearing in my life. Even the horrible things you did. I want you to know how terrible I felt, and how happy you can make me.

Sorry for my miserable entries. I guess words are not really enough for my happy moments, and maybe I'm just a person of negative vocab.

Contemplating the Easy Way Out.

2008-04-05T03:46:00.002+08:00

Break up, take the easy way out. Sometimes I wonder why anybody put it that way. Because it never seemed all that easy to me. Maybe suffering is easier than letting go. Suffering is painful but leaving kills. Suffering brings about random happy days. Leaving snatches the spirit and soul away.

Then, wouldn't it be wonderful to be numbed?

When I was young, I told myself that I will not ever tolerate nonsense from a boy.
Never say never, and they are right.
Toleration became my expertise.

I wish I could be that bratty girl whose boyfriend listens to her every whim and fancy,
that she wouldn't have to worry if anything will piss him off,
because she has the kind of boyfriend that will never shout or be angry at his girlfriend,
because he would do anything for her,
even if it was unreasonable.

I hate the bratty girl because she is so annoying but sometimes, just sometimes,
I feel she has it easy.
I feel that she is happy, and will stay happy.

Do you know that I am tired of shedding tears for you?
That Im tired of being this wimpy crying shit?
I feel so weak and so scared of things that don't make sense?
Like monsters in the closet.
Some days they scare you, some days they leave you alone.

I used to cry because I knew we could be so much better.
That things doesn't have to happen certain ways because we can be so happy together.
It is like you feel annoyed and angry when you know you could have prevented something bad from happening
and you get upset harping on it and not getting over it.

But now I'm not crying anymore because it is more of being in a situation where either way it would still be bad.
It is like telling myself. "Its ok, because nothing could be done anyways".

Im clueless on how we are going to get through this and I hate to say that you're not making things easy for me.
I know it is not your job to make things alright, but you are the only person who can.

I wish a prayer would work things out but I get the feeling God doesn't like us to be together anyway.

Your tangled dream

2008-01-14T08:53:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you wake up in the morning and you don't know who you are.

You move without a purpose,
And your voice sounds like a curse.

The people around you they can't seem to feel
That there's something about you that just isn't real.

You are a rag doll,
you are a string of dreams.

You look so good in your overalls,
So pretty when you bleed.

You are my music,
the singing in my head.

You are the screeching of tyres
from the car crashing into my flat

You are my nightmare,
the dead body hanging from my treehouse.

And You're my sadistic, beautiful tangled dream.

Sorry.

2008-01-05T21:57:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry.

I would really like to be without you
even though it would be as torturous as digging my organs inside out.

I wish you needed me more than I needed you,
then I wouldn't be so miserable trying to feel if you bothered about me at all.

Sometimes I don't know if I'm subconsciously trying to test if you will do fine without me.
And it will prick me to know that if I left you, you'd just find someone to replace me,
like how I replaced the others before me.

I find life is a competition for me to just be better than the ones before although I'm not but I pretend to be so you would think I am and sometimes I get so tired of pretending I become outrageously unreasonable and I cant find a reason to explain myself other than I love you so much which makes no sense to me because I hate you for being able to be so cruel to me and yet fall asleep.

So I don't want to need you anymore unless you're willing to love me and tolerate me and not ever shout at me because you know I am afraid to lose you but you are not afraid to lose me so it makes it unfair to be with you sometimes.

Sometimes I want to hurt myself so I can see if you are worried about me because when I'm emotionally upset you do not give a damn about me. And sometimes i wish I would die so you would finally cry over me, but I cannot stand the thought of you getting over me eventually so I don't wish that anymore.

I wish we could go back to when our relationship was not stable and I did not belong to you. Because at least then you'd try harder to make me yours. And you would not get angry with me for needing you too much because you haven't got sick of me yet. And I wish everyday was the first day we met so you would ask me if I'm okay if I cry, or if i wanted to lean on you, you wouldn't get annoyed with me.

And if I cant make things the way i want them to be, I do not want to be with you even though it hurts me. But you hurt me more than it hurts not being with you. So I am sorry for being so unreasonable and not turn out to be who you thought I was. So maybe then you would think twice that Im not the one for you and that I am also suicidal and crazy like Anna. I'm sorry.

Im also sorry you are the only one I have broken up with. I don't have a reason for that but it might be because you never want to break up with me and that seems like the only way that would affect you but then again i don't think you are affected anymore because now you really do not mind breaking up with me because I'm young and stupid and immature and I frustrate you too much.

Im sorry.

If this matters.

2008-01-03T02:35:00.000+08:00

Hello stranger, I don't know if I see you when I see you.
I recognise your shell but not your soul.
Hello stranger, I would say I miss you.
But Im selfish because I don't know if you feel the same.

Once, I knew you, it was one of the best times of our lives.
Once, we said it would last us a lifetime.

I would describe the moments we spent as vividly as I can,
But it is hard to recall what seems lost and far away.

Do you remember us?
Are our familiar, old faces not rich enough for your colourful life?
Do we stay here and hope for you to return only when others drift away?

I'd like to be patient and understanding;
I've tried it once, and maybe once too many times.
What is futile I will not trouble myself to do again.

I don't know if this pricks,
But I have placed a void where you used to be.
Your presence (or not) will be a neutral event.

This is for you if you remember we exist.
I don't know why I spent time writing this.
I don't know if it is because you mean a lot to me,
or are no longer going to be anything to me.

I guess it is up to you to decide.
I just don't know if I am going to be here then.

My kinda perfect

2008-01-01T22:48:00.000+08:00

I've been typing and deleting whatever I've written for the past 15 minutes.

I guess we can't really describe perfectness because it hardly ever is the same with different people, but its just there in the little things, somewhat like the cool morning breeze and breakfast in bed. It is heard in the comfort of silence, seen in the peacefulness of sleep and felt in everything but emptiness. Every time I say I love you, I actually mean Thank you for loving me. If it wasn't annoying, I would tell you I love you every time you hold my hand, kiss me, or even get angry with me just because you were concerned about me.

Sometimes it feels unjust shit has to happen to you. Because you're such a good person and I never understood why you would ever need to be punished for anything. Sometimes when shit happens to me, I always feel it's retribution for something bad I've done. But I can't think of any reason why The Person Up There has to do this to you. Sometimes I feel like I'm your jinx.

You held me and stayed strong for me and looked on the bright side for me. I don't know if you break down inside and I cannot be there for you because I'm busy being pessimistic and you are focussed on making it alright for me.

So Thank you for loving me again.

I remember how you reminded me at least 5 times in 6 days that there is a hole in the grass when we walked to our chalet. A part of me wanted to tell you, I know you told me before, or I can see. But I just wanted to smile to myself every time you repeated yourself because you seem so obsessively concerned about me.

Thank you for only venting your anger only in words or on objects, and for subconsciously or instinctively needing or wanting me around even when you're not really in the right state of mind, and for pulling my heavy luggage without grumbling, and for always letting me take the inner seats in buses.

And these are how you are my kinda perfect.

Solace in Silence.

2007-11-28T23:44:00.000+08:00

Im writing because nobody responds to me here.
That's good because I dont bother or frustrate anyone.
Only here that I can repeat my anger and my joy a thousand times.
I know I am accepted here, in my own space.

Where there is no need for understanding,
there is no distortion of truth,
no haywired perceptions,
Like the ones in you head.

Sometimes I hate the feeling that my sadness is caused by you.
I wish I had someone who was afraid to hurt me in any way.

I wish you know that you're making me stronger not because im supported.
It is because of your constant breaking that is going to make me immuned.

Do you know how you can find out if I have stopped loving you?

When you watch my tearless face staring at you.

Like liking like

2007-09-27T02:36:00.000+08:00

And so I like got my notebook back with like my screen all fixed. like they said it was the LCD they had to change but like they dont know what is the cause of the problem, and I was like how am I going to afford to repair like the LCD when my warranty is like over. But I like didnt say it out, and maybe I like should have. So, Im like kinda happy that I have my laptop so I can like blog anyways. Its not like I blog very often but like I just wanna be happy about something so like Im here at 2:39:34 AM no, 35, 36, no, 38 AM.. As I was saying.. amusing myself like this...

Ok, enough.

So I was thinking about how I am going to spend my 3 more weeks, or rather 2 and 1/2 weeks more of my vacation without any friends or FRIEND( yes ONLY YOUUUUUU, jeans) to hang out with.. and Im thinking I may just spend it thinking about how Im going to spend it until I have no more vacation to think of spending my vacation time to think of how im going to spend my vacation thinking... Sorry, vacations can be such a hassle without friends isnt it? Haha. You just go online to annoy your blog readers, that is if you have any, or rather if I have any. I know my boyfriend reads this but he doesnt really acknowledges it. Right now I bet people who dont know me think Im making up the fact that I even have a boyfriend. I DO ! I just get lonely and cranky past 1 am. :(

Anyway, I get this like yucky feeling creeping up within me when I read whatever I blog previously, althought I edit my post to make it sound normal so many times, but whenever I read it through after weeks or months. I go like, OHmygod, I didnt write that! And this creepy feeling yuck of embarrassment would fill me up instantaneously.

So dont talk about what I blog in front of me.
IT WASNT ME. I WASNT THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED OKAY! I DONT KNOW HOW!

Goodnight. (:

Sunday's gloom.

2007-08-19T11:14:00.000+08:00

A horrible Saturday night,
awaking to a terrible Sunday morning.
and it will follow with a horrendous day,
numbing me when I awake Monday morning.

Indifference.

2007-08-18T22:55:00.001+08:00

Its not the anger or the shouting;
Its the sheer annoyance and indifference.

Its not how hot-tempered you can get,
but how cold you can be.

It is not being able to accomodate to one tiny request I beg for.
which is never to hang up.

Square One.

2007-08-18T21:00:00.000+08:00

Being with you is riding pillion on a bike; I will always have a higher risk of dying if we fall.
Which are the reasons for my cautiousness.

I wrote once about how its an animal's instinct to run/attack if its feeling vulnerable.
This is why I need a break.
Im back to square one when I told you I dont know.
And you told me I have to know whats wrong to know whats right.
And I trusted you to be the 'right'.
Now I dont know again.

But this time its different.
I do know how much I need you,
I know for sure how much you mean to me,
I know for sure that you'll be the only one I love,

But I'm back to where i dont know about you and what it will be.

And Im too tired to worry this time,
and Im too tired to try,

I thought I could let it be, but I lost faith.
It has been too many things on my mind uncleared over a long time.
Now, even being by your side does not even chase these thoughts away anymore.

How can we be sure we're not just one of them?

Causes of my Unheard Grievances

2007-08-13T14:42:00.001+08:00

Few things that have been on my mind, randomly.

-guys with porn collections.
-seemingly perfect couples having fights
-possibility of not being the one and only.
-never being able to be the first.
-doing things with someone who has done things with someone else.
-comparing myself to others.
-being compared to others.
-leaving home.
-having cancer.

will elaborate if i have time and feel like it.

Haha.

2007-07-22T03:36:00.000+08:00

And that was a random post. I had no particular person in mind. It was just a random ranting about someone who exists but I dont know who. Im just bored. Its 4 am and I want to write but have nothing to write about. So there goes my rubbish.

You I dont know who.

2007-07-22T03:12:00.000+08:00

Sorry the previous posts are so exaggeratingly upset. I guess I'm so used to blogging about unhappy events than happy ones due to a bad past, so emo feelings gush like a rapid uncontrollably. But happy ones I stumble upon my words like I hardly know how to describe it. When a teeny thing happens, it just feels like a sign for the repetition of history. Because you know, I never believed anything good can happen to me. Everytime I thought something was going well, it proves me wrong and things fuck up. If its not my relationships, its my school, or other stuff. Shit just happens. But who am I to complain, I brought it upon myself. Sometimes you feel like you're in a deep dark hole that you will never escape from thinking an regretting and taking it out on yourself because you chose this path with no coercion or force from others. But you hate yourself more because you did comtemplate the bad side of it, but you went ahead with it. And after that you say, I KNEW IT. but its happened. and talk helps nothing and you pray plenty of prayers to God, but you know you dont deserve his mercy but you go ahead and pray saying help me this time, but it has been the hundredth time youve said that but you dont learn your lesson everytime. You watch sad movies and you cry and you feel sorry for yourself cause you cried and you think youre the saddest person in this world when you are just a case of sadness cos you have to resort to telling yourself that when people are dying and starving in other countries and you think one little heartache is the end of the world. People think you're a pitiful soul and you are not pitiful because you are sad, but because you need their pity to make you feel important. Its unreal the way you stare in my eyes, they dont see you, they see through you. You are nothing but a fake. A plastic. A doll. They take you, use you, and dump you. They move on and you pretend to have feelings but you get over it in time for another heartache again.

Sorry.

2007-07-09T23:38:00.000+08:00

I will pretend it's okay.
Pardon me if my smile seems a little fake.

Do you know how it aches when Im keeping my tears in?

2007-07-09T23:13:00.000+08:00

All I wanted was to cry my heart out in your arms.
I dont know why I didnt.
Something was holding me back,
Im not angry with you.
I was just expecting something I couldnt get.
Something in you voice,
it didnt soothe me like it used to.
It didnt assure me that things will get better
and I couldnt cry it all out
to make it okay.
I kept it inside,
because I know these tears are bound to flow again,
someday, not far away.

Change.

2007-07-09T22:30:00.000+08:00

Today I feel weak-- mentally crushed, emotionally drained. Do I lie here and accept that maybe things have changed? Sometimes I want to give in, other times I dont. Eventually I do, cos Im weak and I need you. Eventually, things will get worse and I will hang on still. Because we said we would, we promised to. You used to say, dont worry everything's okay. You used to hold me till I wake. It used to upset you when I cry. Now it annoys you, now you need your sleep. Now you're tired and you're angered easily. I used to be fragile when I needed you around. Now Im selfish I dont care about your needs. You used to worry about me you wouldnt sleep. Now im worried I couldnt wake you when Im in need. Its all about me that's why I dont ask of you anything. I wouldnt dare, I know you care. It's just sometimes it just gets harder to feel it there. I know you love me but some things have changed. I love you too and Id certainly take this changes than to let you go. Its not a choice, I dont have an option. People get tired and Im sorry it had to be you. Im sorry things got old and Im too much for you. Our love is true I dont doubt you. Sometimes it takes more than I love you, and sometimes your words hurt more than it meant to. I dont blame you, I never did. You're always an angel in my eyes. Sometimes I dont see you, but I know youre there. When youre presence is not there to assure me I just get scared. Eventually you'd make it alright, I know, It's just taking longer than I thought it would. Right now, I will learn to need you less if you want me to. I cant promise I will succeed, but I will try. Goodnight, my love, Id like you to know youre in my wishes for every fallen eyelash.

Time.

2007-07-04T02:14:00.000+08:00

Time is a healing miracle
Time embraces new love
Time replenishes hope
TIme withers passion
Good timing brings people together
just to break them through time.
Time depletes tolerance
and time is being killed
while we spend time.
Im grateful for the times we shared
but time just brought us apart.

Fade away.

2007-07-04T02:05:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I repeat myself
because it doesnt seem enough.
I write in words what you mean to me,
but you're you
and not some literary
I'd paint a portrait,
but it has no life
I'd think of you, till I forget your face
Sometimes I miss you,
It seems we're in a race,
Where you'll always be ahead.
I wished you'd wait,
'Cause everything turns grey;
My colours, you stole them away.
When you said I'm yours,
I thought you wouldnt stray,
but God knows,
tonight, alone I wake.

My thought for you

2007-07-04T01:57:00.000+08:00

I would do anything for you
Fly to the highest of heavens if I could
I'd bring the stars
to be your guide
When your world is bleak
and you are weak.
Flowers don't mean much I know;
They wither thrice as fast as they take to grow.
I'd cry my heart
to prove my love,
I'd slit my wrists,
I'd bleed and die
But if all these seems too unreal,
then at least I have the thought
of stringing these words
in honour of you.

Late Nights with my best friend, TV

2007-06-21T03:57:00.000+08:00

Im back to having insomnia. I heard a domestic quarrel on the 2nd storey today and I stopped to listen. I imagined a whole block of quarrelling couples with different problems. Money, Time, Kids, Affairs, In-Laws, Family. I hear their harsh tones and hurting words and I imagine them fight. I imagine them cry and I imagine their pain. I imagine their thoughts and I imagine myself in them. I feel the fear and I feel apprehensive of what could be. How could two persons' mutual paradise turn to a true reality of living hell?

Make ups and break ups and loving and cheating and promises and lies. Nobodys perfect and nothing lasts and shit happens and you deal with it and you think you learn but you do it all over again and the whole vicious cycle begins and you cry and you curse and you are broken but you accept the whole ugly world and you dont trust and you believe youre good alone and you suffer alone. You live alone, you grow old alone, and you die alone. And you wonder why and its too late cos nothing can be mend and nobodys got a solution but you just got too tired of trying and failing and losing.

And eventually you only got yourself to blame.

Land Mine

2007-06-05T01:59:00.000+08:00

Lately I've been circling a land mine. It explodes wherever I step. Sometimes I'm lucky it doesnt hurt me so bad. Other times I wish it would blow me up dead. I try to figure but I don't see a pattern. I can't get out of the land mine, I don't see beyond it. It scares me not because it might kill me, but it leaves me in a torturous state unpredicatable fear.

In this land mine, I'm alone, I bleed and I cry alone. I hold your hand thinking you are there. Only for a moment, then it explodes again.

Of School and Unfun classmates.

2007-04-23T03:59:00.000+08:00

gone are the days of living euphorically nocturnal bat-like lives, drinking till six in the morning, waking groggily to smell alcohol on your loved one's breath, rolling closer to smell his worn off cologne and falling back asleep squirming annoyingly close to him.

School's started for a week and still not used to it.

The sweetest thing.

2007-04-10T06:53:00.000+08:00

I would take the stars out of the sky for you
Stop the rain from falling if you ask me to
I'd do anything for you, your wish is my command
I could move a mountain when your hand is in my hand

Words could not express how much you mean to me
There must be some other way to make you see
If it takes my heart and soul you know I'd pay the price
Everything that I possess I'd gladly sacrifice

You to me are everything
The sweetest song that I can sing, oh baby, oh baby.

Simple and common as it sounds, I love you.
It's inexplicably exquisite that no words could justify these feelings to its fullest.
How can someone not related by blood have love as unconditional as that of a parent?

Being with you was never part of my plan,
but my plan is never to lose you, I promise you that.

The end of a beautiful beginning.

2007-04-08T08:28:00.000+08:00

sunday morning with tear-sized raindrops.
the sky smiles so ever mockingly.
the clouds sigh past.
strangers shifting with knowing eyes.

the bright shining warmth never felt colder.
the time ticks seconds like life inevitably goes on.
despite whatever disaster occurs.

It''s just another loss.
A loss I cannot deal with.
I dont want to deal with.

Randomness.

2007-04-03T17:24:00.000+08:00

Let not the dirt of greed taint us,
for value is not what we can count but what we can keep infinitely.
like the trusty silence void of awkwardness between loved ones,
where giving always makes you happier than taking.

equivocality.

2007-03-24T20:57:00.000+08:00

Is it an impossible possibility to believe in eternity in this age and time?
Almost an unfunny contrary to what's happening to everyone else.
Similar to the inevitablity of a third world child suffering from malnutrition,
lovers lose their loved.
Caught on by everything else that starts to grip one by a cruel mistaken identity of psuedo-happiness,
can the strongest of love get you through?

How often do people ever belong to each other till the end of time?

Calm after the Storm

2007-02-09T04:40:00.000+08:00

All I need is for you to wipe my tears and tell me everything's gonna be alright.

8 years and counting.

2007-02-02T00:38:00.000+08:00

You dont have to trust him, but I just wish you could be happy for me.
When was the last time you saw me happy?
Even if you don't know that I'm happy,
then know that at least I havent been hurting or crying.
I know that I dont exactly make the right decisions all the time.
But nobody's let me down.
Not yet for you to judge.

I know you care for me,
but you just have to let me know whats wrong before il know whats right.

And, though you think I'm stupid most of the time,
I'm still your best friend.

Year 1.

2007-02-02T00:33:00.000+08:00

Clarity, Crystal, Kym, Lamont, Jonathan, Aik Tiao, Edward, Yow Lun:

Here's what I didnt get to say the other day:

Thank you because poly wouldnt be the same without you guys.

The New Year. 2007.

2007-01-07T01:34:00.000+08:00

After the first week of 2007, I found a few things I need to do.
They are:
1. Always remembering to bring tampons with me everyday everywhere I go.
2. To stop slurring in my speech.
3. To kill my sister some way or another. (suggestions would be useful)
4. To save money
5. To meet up with my best friend more often.
6. To be be the best girlfriend I can be. :)

Showers of Blessing.

2006-12-20T00:00:00.001+08:00

In the mood for blogging. (:
Maybe it's the rain getting to me.
I love rainy days.
How they make you so extremely upset when you're cold and lonely,
But also how they make you feel so blessed just wearing your boyfriend's jacket.
I feel guilty feeling happy around all my troubled and unhappy friends.
But I deserve it I guess,
After all the shit I've been put through.

Suddenly I feel my life is falling into place,
Like how it is supposed to.
I dont know what will happen to me it this has to be taken away.
I dont wanna imagine it at all.
Although I said,
If it fucks up, it fucks up.
and its not like i havent been through it before.
But, a part of me is so afraid for it to happen.
Its been a long time since I felt this happy and secured.

The saying 'All good things have to come to an end.' just scares me.

Conference.

2006-11-15T18:05:00.000+08:00

Conference regarding Foreign Domestic Workers. On 6 Dec, Wednesday. Leave a comment or msg me if you can make it. Or just go for my sake pls. Thank you. (: You can bring anyone along, even parents or whatever, but you got to give me names and the number of people going.

Bad Day.

2006-10-26T00:45:00.000+08:00

Today started off really badly. Woke up feeling totally stoned and empty. Havent felt like that in a while cos I've been happy. It's one of those days where you just feel totally insecure about everything. Questioning and doubting and thinking too much is so inevitable lately. I suddenly feel this foreboding fear of losing you. Why?

Fake plastic smile.

2006-10-18T20:49:00.000+08:00

It's time I get used to not being with you.
Im too used to you for our good.

It's not that I dont understand,
I hate it when you doubt that I do.
Would you want me to fake a smile for you ?
Understanding does not mean Im happy and everything's perfect..
Understanding shows that I dont blame you for anything and I'm not upset with you;
Im human, I just feel disappointed because something I was looking forward to came to nought.
Cant YOU understand?

Baby I'm Back!

2006-09-22T12:21:00.000+08:00

The Philippines have been great! (: i will try to upload photos some other day but you can look at clar's blog first. (: The places and official details are on onepeopleoneworld.blogspot.com. The photos will do the talking for the interesting details. The trip has been quite a success and now we will all have to work very hard towards the conference to make it a real success. I'm hyped up because of the trip, and I hope it doesn't wear off anytime soon. Anyhowss, I miss all you Singaporeans and the clean streets and the little food I dont have to eat. But I will definitely miss the cheap booze and ciggs in the Philippines. :(

Thanks Clar and Crys and everyone else on the trip for making it such a delightful one. It wouldnt be the same without you guys. Sorry for all my grumpiness and moodiness, I love all of you nevertheless. (:

Arrived at The Philippines

2006-09-11T22:36:00.000+08:00

Im at the hotel and they have internet access. However this will only be for two days cos 5 am on Wed we will be taking a bus down to the Laoag City, which is actually the village area. Had diarrhoea on the first day, what luck, but im alright now. I miss everyone already, esp my baby. ): Ten days will pass quickly, I hope. check out clar's blog for photos. youreverycolour.livejournal.com

Sound of settling.

2006-09-10T03:53:00.000+08:00

Its unfamiliar, but its positive.
Strange in a peculiar way.
I think you are right.

You are the right after the wrongs,
like the sun after the storms,
the smile after the tears.

Quest for Understanding

2006-09-10T03:31:00.000+08:00

Yes, thats what the philippines trip is about. Im looking forward to the experience. But I dread being away from my baby, and of course Jeannine who has been my everyday friend. Now she has noone to accompany her to wait for our boyfriends. Im so sorry babe.

Will be back on the 20th ! I cant wait to get this over and done with.
But its okay, absence makes the heart grow fonder. (:

Your song.

2006-09-05T02:04:00.000+08:00

Is it wise to get used to someone? To feel too comfortable?
Sometimes, the more you put in, the less you get.
The more you give, the more there is taken away from you in the end.
I hope it does not happen again.

Im playing your songs,
Im thinking of you,
and I wonder what youre doing.
I hope you are alright,
and I wish I could be there.

Maybe its not good to miss you anymore.
Suddenly it feels weird not hearing your voice before I go to sleep.

Hunt.

2006-09-05T00:33:00.000+08:00

What a relief. I feel so happy having bought something finally, after all the indecisiveness. I wanted to buy the Blackberry, I wanted to buy an iPod Video, I wanted to buy a Polo Ralph Lauren top, wanted to buy a nice cigg case, and I was just so indecisive bout everything because im so afraid he wouldnt like it.

Then I remembered he mentioned once about the dustbin ashtray thing. I bought that, plus some cocktail drink with my name on it. JENN. hahaha. Dont even know if it tastes nice, but its vodka so i dont think itl be that bad. and I also want to get him the Nike t shirt that he said was nice that day but I told him i dont like the colour orange. Im so proud of myself, I have such good memory!

I hate to buy random presents. I shant mention NAMES or relevant incidents but dont you think its nice to know that the gift is so well thought of and not buying a gift for the sake of it.

Anyway, its past 12.
I wont say Happy Birthday to you because I know your birthday isnt exactly a happy event for you, but theres a reason for me to celebrate this day because if on this day, 23 yrs ago, you werent brought to Earth, I would not have someone to call my baby now. So thanks to whoever who were part of the process. Haha.

I hope he'll like the presents anyhow. If he doenst, il be so sad. :( cos I racked my brains for so long thinking what to buy.
Goodnight everybody, May tmr pass as quickly as possible.

Aint no fairytale ending.

2006-08-20T23:52:00.000+08:00

who cares what they say
just as long you & i, we're, okay.

you could make me smile,
even if its just for a while.

hold my hand,
let time stand.

keep me sane,
dont put me through pain.

dont let me down,
youre what makes my world go round,

for now.

Ignorance is Bliss.

2006-08-20T03:31:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, overlooking things, not thinking, or pretending not to think, not caring, or acting like you dont care or arent affect helps. Eventually, it might just lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the things you so frequently try to do become a normal habitual behaviour that you do not try anymore. It becomes easy-- like a snap of a finger. Does that make us happier people? To a certain extend, yes. Thats how the saying "ignorance is bliss" came about, isnt it? If so, I dont wanna know your past, I dont wanna know how you feel, I dont wanna know what you do, what matters is that it is you making me happy. I mean, any good guy can turn bad, and hard to believe but any bad guy can turn good too. Afterall, nobody is born evil, are they?

indigo.

2006-08-18T02:22:00.000+08:00

It's one of those nights, or rather day, where I feel an extreme insecurity within. Been listening to Aqualung. Songs like Breaking my heart again, Easier to lie, Strange and beautiful. It seems all too familiar. This feeling, this scenario--sitting alone in the living room at 2.20 am blogging out of a sudden urge-- is kinda like deja vu.

Do I think too much for my own good? Or is this thinking gonna do actual goodness? Is it good to think twice and thrice? Is it good to be wary, to doubt, to put up my guards, to question, to check, to analyze? Am I reading too much into it? But my actual thoughts were never really wrong. I was wrong to disregard the initial doubts, to go ahead pretending it is alright, or it will be alright. And then, I end up being stupid. And being stupid for not being careful is one thing, whereas being stupid for being careful and yet getting cheated eventually is another thing. It just proves nothing about my intelligence. My thinking and worrying has gone to nought. It might as well not have been done anyway.

Im ranting, Im ranting. It is a bad sign. I just knew I cant expect good things to happen to me. I wish someone would tell me that this time, this time I truly deserve a break from all the uncertainties and misfortunes and whatnots. Convince me that I have no need to worry, that I can lay my head down and rest with a peace of mind that Im in good hands. Will you?

Joie de Vivre

2006-08-17T22:59:00.000+08:00

Yes, I want to live by that phrase. But it's so hard. I have an ominous feeling, and it's eating in slowly. I feel history's gonna repeat itself like a spoilt tape recorder -- rewinding and playing the same awful tune.

And I feel like a damn schizo.

I said I like rollercoaster rides,
but I didnt mean this kind.

Square One.

2006-08-17T18:06:00.000+08:00

Where's the fire? There is no reason to rush through this day -- whether you are egged on by your own expectations or by annoying peer pressure, there is no good reason not to take things slow. If you have some exciting plans for this evening that's fine, but that doesn't mean you should forget about what is going on today. Everything and everyone you encounter right now is worth your full attention. You are sure to learn something in the course of your day that will enrich you.

I feel so lame, reading dumbass horoscope shit that gives you totally random rubbish. What is lamer is I actually do trust in this rubbish once in a while.
God, I'm so full of doubts now.
Why oh why must this happen to me.

Take me on an escapade,
I want to break free.

Vacation !

2006-08-16T01:24:00.000+08:00

I suddenly forgot how to write, or rather to blog. It's the sympton of being happy, dont worry. Haha. I cant say that Ive finally found someone good, but what the hell, life's too short to worry too much isnt it? Whether or not I get hurt, is only a matter of time. If it isnt him, itd be someone else anyway. But why not just go ahead if Im happy now right?

I MISS THE VEGES! :( let's have a get-together soon! (:

A brighter light?

2006-08-09T14:18:00.000+08:00

Im happy, but in doubt. Im smiling, but for how long? It's not anyone's fault, but people have hurt me too much till I believe there will not be someone who wont try hurting me. I dont know. Paranoia. Insecurity. inability to trust. Whatever you may call it. I have a right to feel that way. Be it being selfish or not. Isn't it?
I need to talk to someone but I doubt anyone would give me the answers I would most like to hear.

For now, Il keep smiling, because nothing bad has happened. (:

Sweet Tangerine.

2006-07-23T03:55:00.000+08:00

I feel an urge to blog today. Weird, queer events have happened of late. First, Jae starts being nice again, next an out-of-the-blue sms from Nazry, then Ive got a pathetic Kai begging at my feet. Isnt it funny how people have no sense of shame, no dignity, no sense of righteousness whatsoever? Why is it that some can be so conscious of feelings and some not? As I ponder about how this events have pass me by, how it has mould me, maybe Im thankful for some parts of it. It instilled in me a sense of strength and control over myself, my life. I am glad I rejected money for the sake of my dignity and principles. Maturity to see the larger picture, the morally correct path. Stupidity has outgrown of me and left. I will not be pushed around, I will not be nice, or want to appear nice. Attempting to put such people on a guilt trip to allow them to learn their own lessons would be futile. It would only make me appear weak. Although appearing strong in not letting myself get hurt is only a euphemism for being too weak to trust, Id rather feel that way. People may say this girl is so strong, shes so cold she's iced herself from feeling, from getting hurt. In fact, she's afraid to fall, to trust, because shes too weak to allow herself more trauma. Whatever floats your boat, my friends. Im happy this way. I know it may not be the happiest I could be, at least Im not upset. For now, Id like to sit back, and watch the world go by, witnessing the agonies of life and smile because Im not a part of that reality. Id watch everyone as though they were in a movie, and feel consoled, nodding knowingly to myself that Ive made a right choice to be the onlooker and not the protagonist in this gruesome play titled "Life". Intelligence, I call that. (:

Touchdown Turnaround.

2006-07-14T17:50:00.000+08:00

Finally heaving a sigh of relief. Been gasping for air the past week with Info Essay which is due today. Unfortunately, this is just a pause to catch my breath before a longer, more tedious lap. Proposal Essay. After this is due, it marks the start of VACATION. which means Ive got to find a job soon. Yes, I lost my job. Unjustly. Sigh. :/ I was wrong. Lazy Gourmet is the one and only place that was good. I miss Kai, Edwin, Sairi, Ivan, and even the annoying Khirwan. They took such good care of me. Anyway, no point brooding over what's gone. Im just hoping for the better.

Baybeats tonight! I cant wait. It reminds me of Mervyn. I remember how we saw the fireworks and all. Yes, that reminds me, I must bring my camera today! Finally hanging out with my darlings. Work has took me apart from them lately, so at least theres a good side to embrace instead of being unhappy I got terminated. Its their loss. Haha.

Void.

2006-07-01T06:30:00.000+08:00

What a moody day. I dont know why either. Everything feels so filled with nothingness. (Notice the irony.) Hence, the title Void. Ha, I cant blog anymore. I feel that I have suddenly ran out of vocab to write well. Or rather I just cant seem to find the right words. This weekend is supposed to be fun because my parents are away. But no, it just seems worse.

Just now at work, I suddenly missed Daph. Randomness, I know. I was thinking, she was the one who was bitter and pissed because she thought Ive moved on so quickly and all. In the end, she is the one happy. And only my words seem to stand true-- that I can never find anyone to replace her. Even though I didnt want to be with her anymore, I know that I will never find someone anywhere close to being similar to her, and yes she is irreplaceable. Besides mervyn, I havent met anyone good after her. Daph hopes I 'regret it all (my) life'. Yes, maybe I might regret. But if it wasnt then, it would be now, or the future. Like the saying goes, good things doesnt last forever and too much of anything good is also bad. So either way, I guess it wouldnt work out. Or maybe Im just consoling myself?

I feel stupid to have believed in people's words. Words are cheap. Yes, but words are really something that can make or break. It can bring about a great difference. So which should you believe in? Take it along with the situation I guess.

Pardon the emo-ness. Its the night, or maybe its the lack of companion, or maybe its just today..

What a confusing and confused entry.

Once again, the sun is rising, and sleep brings comfort in all situations. So, goodnight.

Snow party !

2006-06-16T06:47:00.000+08:00

The sky is on the verge of turning bright and Im rushing this entry so that I can fall asleep while the sky is still not that bright. Work was good today. (: 2nd wonderful job in the year. 1st was at Lazy Gourmet of course. I will never forget that place. and the people there especially. I love such wonderful jobs and company. (:

Joi de vivre. This is what I mean. Im finally learning the meaning of living life to the fullest. Being happy, even at its worst. Make bad things turn good. Do not dwell on the past, the pain, but focus on all the unforeseen good things ahead, because you never know what beautiful things will arrive in front of you.

Even though I got whacked yesterday, Im so not gonna quit this job, it is one thing that can really keep my mind of things, keep me going on, smiling. Yes my friends are good, but with them, I talk too much about the past that I remember them all too well for my own good. Being carefree is all I want right now.

Okay the sun is coming up and Im going down. Goodnight, may you have the sweetest dreams. (:

Butter Factory !

2006-06-13T01:42:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the lack of update, non-existent avid readers of my blog. Haha. My 2 weeks break have started. and it doesnt even feel all that good because assignments are always on my mind. On a lighter note, working at Butter Factory has been tiring but FUN ! okay, except the parts where malays ask for my number and the cleaning up job. I miss clubbing or drinking with Jean and Crys or weekends! I miss Hard Rock. and its only been a week! How am I gonna survive? Looking on the bright side, I'd be earning money, but I still find it so hard to give up having fun with my darlings for work.

Life in general has been ah-okay. Nothing exciting, nothing interesting, nothing to look forward to. But at least nothing upsetting either. One thing to rejoice is that I wont have to see HER anywhere for 7 weeks. And when I do, I will be totally totally fine already, so that's great. I feel so much STRONGER, like I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR. hahaha.

Last night's house part really SUCKED. I will NEVER EVER go for any STUPID parties Kenny&friends organises ever. Theyre fucked up and dumb! But hanging out with Bernie and Jon the whole morning was pretty fun! Havent like stayed out the whole morning for a long time. And finally macs breakfast! (: Lovin it.

I cant wait for BBQ on Sat, only sad part, Jeans wont be there. :( FUCK, Im gonna miss that woman from Friday to Wednesday. I have a feeling its gonna be torturously long and dreadful already.

My First Tattoo !

2006-06-06T00:25:00.001+08:00

This ought to be posted on the 5th of May 2006. but its past 12, so I am just informing you that today is Tattoo Day for Jean, Sam the Lamb and Me! we must mark this official date! Im really one happy girl now. Even though the person charged me more in the end, I have no regrets. and it is so addictive Im thinking of doing my next one already! Having savings really come in handy for urges like these. Thanks to Bernie, Zoe, Crystal, Clarity and You Lun for accompanying me there and Terence for his advice and help and all. (:

kissingrose.blogspot.com

2006-04-30T04:51:00.000+08:00

you know what they say about love right? it's humankind's only saving grace. if this is of absolute truth, then pain is mockery. you know what a state of numb is? no, not calmness, not unbearable pain throbbing within, and most definitely not the aftermath of a lesson unlearned; it's this: riding the bus and missing your stop, walking into poles because you're crying, forget that your hand is dirty and touch your face anyway, and so much dazed that even when a dirty girl sweeps her long hair onto your arm, you don't shriek in frustration. something like that. the only thing i want to do is be with you but i'm too weak to. i've tried beyond my means and you've probably tried harder than i have but i've overestimated myself and i really only want to be with you. this is the only time i am making this decision and as much as it cuts me up inside, i'll abide by it because i know you're made for better things and because i am selfish and don't wish to be frustrated any longer. if you must know, and even if you don't i'll tell you anyway, the issue was never about acceptance. i love you because you're smart, funny, extremely patient with me, adorably rude and even your sarcasm gives me a bolt of warmth but i am selfish, (fat and ugly), very stubborn and stupid enough to think i was ever good enough for you. if we are able to eliminate love from our lives, maybe, i don't know, maybe something, maybe nothing, but i'll set out to do that as at this lowest point in my life, i can't find a single person to talk to and this just tells me that i probably should remove any form of attachment or dependency i have developed on people because honestly, you were the only person who ever listened to me when i talked and i still hope you will but hopefulness is foolish and so is love. love itself is mockery as it reminds you of how alone you were in the very beginning and will end up that way. this said, i think couples who grow old together are probably the only people who understand true love and although i've never seen it in this light, i'll probably die young anyway so if at this lowest point in my life i can't find a single person who'll listen to me talk, i think it's best if i die young.

Sad, but true.